There Is No Exit

The Iraq Study Group has released its findings after reviewing the lesser known “Booze Cabinet Report,” and boy, are we embarrassed. Our humble report, which was meticulously compiled over the years 2002-2006 by our core research team, helped to inform the Iraq Study Group through many a night and it shows. Hell no, we haven’t read the whole thing, we barely got past the dedications and table of contents, but we get the gist of it. Let’s just say, we’re flattered.

The Booze Cabinet, which longtime readers have come to know, love, and semi-respect as an astute observer of world events, came to the conclusion many many years (and deaths) ago that the Iraq War is a failure, that diplomacy is a Good Thing, and that change is long overdue. It is way past the time to leave this war, to withdraw and go home. The Iraq Study Group, in its wisdom, agrees whole-heartedly. Well, let’s throw a party.

We would normally be bouyed by the fact that this bipartisan group has finally reached conclusions that have, to our eyes, long been obvious, but unfortunately the champagne bottles remain corked tonight. The truth is, our report was completed long ago, before the election of 2004. You didn’t read it? No wonder. Sadly, any semi-conscious buffoon could have come to the same conclusions as we, or they did. Once again, No One Saw Any Of This Coming?!? Shit, we’ve been stoned drunk since Bush lost in 2000, what the hell is everyone else on?

The good news? Bush said he would take the report “very seriously!”

And what really insults us now is seeing 41’s geezer cronies finally lay some truth on the smaller (shrinking) Bush now, when it is too goddamn late. There is no clean way out of this. The main reason for this is, it was a Bad Idea from the get-go. But when you have nationalistic theme songs and cool graphics for war on the television and cheerleaders embedded in fantasy camps reporting tales from the front, well, no one wants to hear that. No one wants to hear that, whoa, wait a minute, are you sure about this? I mean, first of all, do you have your facts right? And, is this necessary? Right now? Any plan for…after?

This is about war, you know, where people actually die.

The answer to every one of those questions was “no,” and Jim Baker and his sobbing pal Bush 41 could have told you that a long time ago. “We know Saddam Hussein has used weapons on the Kurds.” How do we know? We supplied them, in 1988, when things were still chummy between Iraq and Washington, D.C.! But you know what? No one wants to hear that stuff. Not when the drums of war are marching and revenge for 9/11 remains unquenched in Afghanistan. “But Iraq didn’t — ” Never mind, shut your mouth.

Ah, well, we’ve been through all of this before. It’s boring, it’s over, it’s done. There is no exit from Iraq. Just as there is no “War on Terror.” It doesn’t exist. See, The Booze Cabinet has been working on a new report. We’ve drunk ourselves blind (to the sound of old T.Rex) and I don’t want to leak the contents, but…it’s all a green screen, an orange alert, a purple haze. The War on Terror? Take off your shoes and walk on through.

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