From My Cold Dead Hands!

When I heard that Charlton Heston died, well, what could I say? My old foe, my old enemy, had passed on to the great beyond. Longtime readers may recall that I used to berate Mr. Heston on a regular basis–I don’t even know if it’s in the barchives or not, it may have been before the Word Press days–but me and him, we had a long running feud.

Alas, Charlie ran into some difficulties, and so I stopped beating the dead horse, so to speak; he had enough troubles on his own. But news of his death gave me pause. Should I comment? What about those damn dirty apes? Should I dig up those old bones?

Thankfully, I didn’t have to. My old buddy, Andrew, did it for me. So now I present, proudly, yet another installment of…Letters from Andrew!

(Note: this is an extremely short version of an extremely long email)

Subject: Takin’ the old Chucker up on his offer


You might have to stand in line. Remember when the old Chucker said, “… from my cold dead hands”? Yep, now’s your chance to take him up on his offer. Do you think Michael Moore will be the one to take his gun away? Doesn’t look like there will be another planet of the apes anytime soon (ever).

Here’s an example of 6 degrees of separation. One night after I had helped a friend on an overnight film shoot, we went back to his place. Charlton Heston’s mother lived across the street. She called that morning to see if Jerry could mow the lawn. It was just so silly. You’ve been up all night on a movie set and when you’re finished you friend making the movie gets a call from Charlton Heston’s mom.

Does contour flying bother your stomach? I’ve never had to use the sick bag. Day or night. Just strap yourself down and pretend it’s a roller coaster not an airplane. Do you think JATO bottles would be fun on a Hyundai? I know, I know, it’s only 20 seconds, but 4,000 hp for 20 seconds can be just what you need sometimes. No? License and registration? One moment while I open my glove compartment and flip this little switch… Oh, bye bye!

Corn liquor is so old, it’s passe. Onto more contemporary amusments. Soy liquor. Nothing says fun like going out in the woods to check on your batch of soy liquor. Careful, you almost stepped on that trap.

A grilled cheese sandwich with gum and potato chips (inside),


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